Editor In Butch

Breaking Up With Straight People

In Relationships on February 2, 2009 at 3:34 pm


The other night my girlfriend and I took a straight friend of ours out to eat for her birthday. She’s starting a high-powered new job next week and these two factors are causing her to re-evaluate her life. She has been divorced for a few years and has been dating unsuccessfully for the past few months. Recently, she  asked another straight friend of hers why she’s having such a hard time finding a man. Her friend offered some powerful insight, “You need to stop hanging out with lesbians all the time.”

“Oh my God,” I replied, “are we breaking up?” I immediately started going through the list of single straight men I knew in my head. I got to about 8 and than I went blank. I became crippled with fear. Does this mean I’m going to have to spend more time in straight bars in order to hang out with her? I mean, she’s one of my best friends, but the thought of McFadden’s on a Friday night is enough to make me contemplate looking for a new best friend, immediately.  

I spent too much of my 20’s in straight bars watching girls look for husbands while guys looked for one night stands. Until I came out, I occasionally joined in the mating process (although it was generally awkward and ended with me kicking them out of my apartment before the sun rose and the alcohol wore off). I finally moved away from the Upper East Side and am now in a neighborhood full of bars that I enjoy–bars where the men love Madonna and the women love football. I’m with my people. Unfortunately, my people are causing my straight best friend to go home alone at night. 

I started wondering how many other people have found themselves in this position. I envisioned myself back in straight bars again trying to play wingman for my friend while secretly looking around for the other gays who had been dragged there in order to save their friendships. A simple gesture might give them away; a guy trying to control his desire to dance when Beyonce came on or a girl looking longingly at a man’s Burberry tie. We would catch eyes, my fellow gay martyr and I, and share a nod–a nod that said, “Hey fellow homosexual friend, aren’t we amazing for doing this in order to save our friendships? Don’t we deserve some kind of reward for the good deeds were doing? Aren’t we amazing? Do you ever think they’ll play Madonna’s Holiday because I really love that song and I think every bar in the world should be required to play it at midnight when I’m drunk enough to think that I’m a really good dancer. Carry on my fellow homosexual soldier, carry on.” So maybe we would need something longer than a nod; but my point is: We shouldn’t have to do this! There has to be a better way! 

The idea that my sexuality has become an unintentional cock-blocker to my best friend was getting to me. I needed to figure out a way to get her a man while still maintaining our almost constant schedule of hanging out. I couldn’t let her date some guy without my being there to judge him and ultimately mock him behind his back. I needed a solution. And then it hit me. I imagine Bill Gates had an epiphany much like this when he started Microsoft. I’ll have to ask him when we become friends because my plan is so genius we will soon be in the same tax bracket. There should be a dating website for gay people with straight single friends who are looking to date. I know, genius balls, right? We could use the site to find our straight friend’s potential dates, dates that could take place in gay bars! Dates that could take place with the gay friends that set them up monitoring, and judging, and controlling the jukebox! Think of the humanitarian high five we’ll receive. See world, you see? We don’t care that 51% of you said we couldn’t get married; the gay community is going to find you love! We’ll call it turntheothercheek[dot]something (com, net, org, etc), and we will never, ever again be faced with the possibility of losing our straight best friends! It’s gonna be huge! We’re going to change lives! It’s going to be epic! 

It’s not gonna work, is it? 

I’ll be holding interviews for the position of my new best friend this Wednesday from 5 to 7 at The Cubby Hole. Only people with a strong tolerance for whining, narcissism, and alcoholism need apply.

Your Sarcastically Opinionated Buddy,

Bossy Bottom

  1. […] a great article my friend wrote about something that we all can relate […]

  2. Genius balls indeed my friend. Genius balls indeed.

  3. Interesting. I am a queer-id’ed (it’s complicated) woman who generally passes for a dyke and can’t stand straight bars and straight culture despite liking dick. Maybe you should set your friend up with a guy dyke- the straight male equivalent of a fag hag? That’s always worked well for me.

  4. I think that there are many great straight people to be found in gay bars. I would much rather met a straight guy at a gay bar than at a straight bar. I knew my bf was a real man when he was willing to go out with me and my gay friends. Even if someone does flirt with him, he’s very friendly, and appreciative of the attention.

    Seriously though, people go to the bar to look for a husband? The logical person goes to the bar to have a one night stand, and engages in their community to meet potential long term mates. Tell your friend to just be themselves, go to coffee shops, volunteer, basically live their life, and if someone should come along, then give them a chance!

  5. F-ing sign me up as the first user of your website. Any guy that would date me would have to be able to hang with my lesbain girlfriends and gay bf’s. Bill Gates has nothing on you!!!
    A straight girl with a dear friend that plays wing (wo)man

  6. I am, admittedly, an eternally single straight girl because I spend the majority of my evenings out with my fabulous gay male friends in gay bars. I prefer gay bars over straight bars because I can dance to great music without the obligatory humping/grinding dances required at straight facilities and gay men always tell me how cute and funny I am, and they must be telling the truth because they don’t want to sleep with me. It’s always a fabulous time! But my nightlife choices do tend to leave me celibate and date-free. SO, a dating service like the one you described would TOTALLY be up my alley. I would LOVE my gay friends to set me up on dates. Because, to be honest, no one knows me better than them!

    p.s. Thanks to my fabulous gay friend, Matt, who immediately thought of me when he read this article!

  7. Hey BB,
    This is really funny and pathetic at the same time. You’re funny…the situation is pathetic. I can’t believe your best friend would listen to someone who obviously has a problem with lesbians. The sister needs to come out! Your friend, on the other hand, needs to re-evaluate the people who have been around her in her times of need…good, bad, or indifferent…and if she’s more at home in a gay bar, maybe she needs a shove out of the closet…job schnob.
    Will she find a straight boyfriend at the CubbyHole…yeah, it’s possible, but he’ll have a girlfriend acting as a pawn for a 3-some. The “new thought” process, according to Sam and Lindsey is that there are so many mixed clubs, that there isn’t any need for gay clubs…ahhhh, no, wrong girls. However, if you feel you have to go to a “straight club” with your friend, hang at the one’s where S & L seem to feel comfy. You could wear a t-shirt that says, “fell into THE GAP and haven’t been back”, or “dicks need not apply”.
    Love the website idea…take a poll!


  8. Got a local Guerilla Gay Bar Group in your area? You and your straight friend could both receive the announcement for the next bar to be stormed, have her arrive beforehand and pretend to be a clueless straight, and then you’d meet when your guerilla group arrived. So now you have a mixed crowd and the straights don’t accidentally think she one of the gays.

  9. Perhaps, rather than martyring yourself, you should take the high(er) road and just not let your dear straight friend go to bars to find a partner.

    You would save yourself uncomfortability and your friend from a relationship with a stereotypical-jock-bar-goer.

  10. Heya-
    Maybe your friend is a lesbian if she has to stop hanging out with dykes to get a man (just a thought). Also, this whole society is straight. If someone has to sort of dump someone because there is a little too much gay in their life then um OKAY HUNEY WHAT EVER.

  11. I wish there was a solution. My girlfriend had to go out with her straight friend to a bar in Laguna Beach. She ended up drinking herself to the highest point of hostility so that guys would be afraid to hit on her. Of course.. I refused to go. So cheers to no straight bars!

  12. […] The following was written by our friend *chezzabellah* in response to Bossy Bottom’s article “Breaking up with Straight People” : […]

  13. The most striking thing about the whole post is the statement that gay Americans and straight Americans like different music. How so? You might be right, I just never thought about it this way – and logically, music should not be impacted by who you prefer, should it? Very curious now.

  14. I’m totally stealing your idea… LOL

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